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Anger and Rejection

By Siobhain Crosbie

Anger......the ultimate tool in rejection........who likes angry people? Not many. It's not "wrong" to feel angry, it's what we do with anger that results in problems and creates rejection.

Aggressive forms of anger, ie physical abuse is damaging to both parties in differing ways. I would hope the person being physically hurt would get away, and the individual expressing anger is alone again and takes the opportunity to reflect on their behaviour.

In my experience, the overtly angry individual has felt strong feelings of isolation and fear whether this is an emotional isolation or a literal isolation and by placing their anger aggressively on another they often return to the feeling of "alone" if their partner walks away.

Passive aggression is anger presented in an indirect way, moaning, complaining about one thing when really using that issue to hide what your really angry over. Punishments such as being silent for long periods, refusing to talk, being critical of things that would not normally be criticised, all differing ways of being passive aggressive..

A passive aggressive person is often afraid of anger and the rejection they fear if someone is angry with them, but are aware enough to recognise they are angry but find avoiding confronting the situation more manageable.

Someone who is simply passive, so influenced largely by others thoughts and feelings, doesn't like to be involved with others, doesn't like making decisions and therefore doesn't take control over their lives will often hold a lot of anger within them, but often direct their anger on themselves by staying passive as a form of protection.

Anger is more often a defence mechanism to protect the feeling of being vulnerable, but it is important to remember we can be angry, we often have the absolute right to be angry, but what we do with that anger is what makes it have a positive or negative impact.

Moving forward......... Using a person centred therapy to create trust and warmth in the relationship to help understand where the anger arises from, understanding the vulnerability that lies beneath the anger, combined with Psychotherapy to explore and deal with the origins of the vulnerability, processing and accepting their history, and cognitive behavioural therapy to identify the anger as it arises and learn to react appropriately and consciously to the situation rather than lash out at another.

It's also important to point out that anger lies behind and within many difficulties and is often very buried and as the child, feeling angry can be suppressed to create a way of coping. In my experience this often has resulted in depression as the adult.

A classic example of intense rage is the individual that commits crimes, if caught depending on their offence results in prison.

In prison, they are trapped, isolated, alone, and very vulnerable and experience little control other than the immediate space around them, if explored it's usually discovered that as a child they felt trapped, terrified, isolated and very vulnerable and as the adult they have taken themselves unconsciously back to the feelings of origin by using the anger in a dangerously overt way.

It's always important to remember we have the right to feel angry and physical exercise releases endorphins which automatically channel anger into being fit and healthy and is one of the best ways to use anger positively, whether the angry is historical or not is irrelevant exercise is a fabulous way to help manage and use anger for good results for ourselves.,

Anger is an enormous topic and can be channelled negatively into many differing situations and is a topic that is huge so I have worked to keep it basic and understandable and will cover more as I write further articles. I have listed beneath just some of the ways anger can be channelled into negativity.

Eating disorders
Self harming
Violence, physical and emotional.
Weight issues
Munchausens syndrome

It can be managed, it can be changed it's up to the individual to want to change and decide to allow their history created by others to be a future managed by themselves.